YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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