I hate your face
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
