somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize