My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
