Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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