TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
