I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
These tits shall not be calmed
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
