Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
