I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
