y did u give ur computer a hand job?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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