We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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