She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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