Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
