Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
