So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
