You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
