i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
