I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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