after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize