Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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