Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
