apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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