Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
