i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
