Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
