Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
