he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize