I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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