I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
