If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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