i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
