PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
it glows. i had to have it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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