Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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