my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
