If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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