There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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