All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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