Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
