This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
