sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
