I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
