I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize