We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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