I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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