please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
