guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
This toilet bowl is my home.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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