Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
