do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
