I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
