I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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