I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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