so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
