As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
