does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
