I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
