Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
