3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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