I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
