What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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