you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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