3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
