I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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