Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
